About Me

My photo
Jersey Shore, United States
In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.

Total Pageviews

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Great Sausage Controversy

Today, ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves- you are in for a rare and wonderful treat. You are about to read a poignant post full of pure, inspirational thoughts, words and encouragement. Yeah, no. Not even close. With a title like "The Great Sausage Controversy" you must have known there's no well-written, poignant post full of meaning to be had here....ha ha.  Instead, I'm going to be filling you all in on an epic event that went down in the Bird's Nest and is now and will forever more be referred to as "The Great Sausage Controversy" among all of our friends and family members.

Ah, it's been quite some time since The Husband and I have had a little  WWE Smack Down marital spat. As usual, this disagreement sprung from a matter of the utmost importance, one of our deepest fundamental differences; it's a wonder our marriage has lasted the past nineteen years. I'm sure you are all wondering, what in the world could have sparked this  knock down all out war disagreement between two people who made a commitment to love, honor and respect one another, so many years ago? Here's the skinny:

The Husband and I are both fat and Italian. To fat Italians, pizza is no joke. We regularly order out and/or make our own pizza at home. The Husband called on his way home from work, requesting that I make him pizza for dinner. Sure, I told him, no problem, I had all the ingredients. I just needed to allow the dough to rise. But wait, The Husband loves to have sausage on top of his pizza, and I had none. I asked that he would please pick some up on his way home, which he agreed to do. All was well until he came home. I had already started preparing everything, I was just waiting to blanch the sausage. AND he lost his mind.

Husband: "You can not cook the sausage first! It has to cook on the pizza or it will dry out."
Jaybird: "Husband, I will  not place raw sausage on top of this pizza. Raw pork will kill you. Let me blanch it, at the very least."
Husband: (his voice was escalating and he was now using what I like to refer to as his condescending COP tone) "No self-respecting pizza place uses cooked sausage on top of their pizza, it would come out tasteless and all dried up!"
Jaybird: (my voice and tone, only in response to his of course was now getting elevated at this point) "Get outta my kitchen and mind your business. I know what I'm doing!"
Husband: "I'm calling Nunzio's!!!!"
(The Husband whips out his cell phone and hits speed dial- he connects with one of our favorite places to order pizza. On the Jersey Shore, you never know when or where you'll be in the mood for pizza. We have a favorite place in just about  every county  and town in South and North Jersey, just in case.)
Husband: "HA!  Ha, ha, ha. I WAS RIGHT!!  I toooold you SO! Nunzio says that they NEVER cook the sausage first, it will dry up!! And we've been eating that pizza for years and we never died!"
Jaybird: (Not willing to give in or concede at this point, because now I'm fuming mad at his tone and his condescending I told you so attitude) "Pizza places have ovens that heat up to 500 zillion degrees, maybe that's okay for them, but at home, no way. I'm still cooking the sausage!!"
Husband: (Get's the cell phone back out, and dials pizza place #2 and asks the same question, just to gloat and be a total tool but instead, I have the satisfaction of hearing this) "Whaaat? You cook your sausage first? WHY? Doesn't it get all dried out? Oh. Because it's raw pork, you blanch it before it goes in the oven? Okay."
Jaybird: "HA!! Ha, ha ha."
Husband: "I don't care what they say! You are not going to cook that sausage first." (Husband goes to make a grab for the package of sausage)

And, because clearly at this point you can already tell we are the King and Queen of maturity and wisdom, things unravel further. Jaybird, normally a pacifist and a calm, centered woman of faith, picked up that package of sausage and threw it at him, adding in a couple of brilliant Italian hand gestures and phrases that I care not to repeat at this time, since I am no longer in a fit of rage and anger. (Don't judge. Some people do Meth. And for the record, no one in my forty-three years of life has EVER incited me to violence. Except The Husband. For some reason, he can make me go from zero to sixty in two seconds.)

BTW: You would think that my children would be cowed or at least shrinking and crying from the escalating violence in the kitchen, instead, they were laughing so hard one of them almost wet their pants. Then, they did what every other person we told about this ridiculous fight did: they picked sides!!!

Honestly, this stupid, stupid sausage fight raged on and on because- everywhere, absolutely everywhere we went, for at least a month, the kids told on us!! They told all of our friends, neighbors and any family members who would  listen. So the stinking sausage debate raged ON. My parents got into it over it. My dad thought it would be fine to throw the sausage on the pizza raw, my mom, went with cooking it first. They went out to dinner with their best friends and they weighed in as well. (a split decision)  I went to a party at my brother-in-law's house and the first thing he did was walk up to me and say, "Jen, surely you won't die from raw sausage!" Et tu brute, et tu?

Annnnd, again, because we are so mature and everything, we kept tabs. How does something so ridiculous get so out of hand? Welcome to my world. Where my husband and I's biggest fight in almost twenty years of  marriage, was about sausage. So I have to ask, who's side would you be on in the Great Sausage Controversy?

*There is no wrong answer here. Just go with your gut instinct. And please, please, don't cite any Google engine search results. Trust me, they have already been thoroughly exhausted by my friends and family and reported to us, ad nauseam.

18 comments:

  1. Oh golly sounds serious! I am no expert on this but my gut would tell me, cook lightly first. Not sure if that helps, I don't want to add fuel to the fire!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Suzanne!! Good to hear from you. Thanks for not being afraid to weigh in. I know this is such dangerous territory, ha ha. What a stupid thing to fight over, right? I mean some couples do serious things like cheat on each other. We get heated over pizza toppings. LOL

      Delete
  2. This was pretty damn hilarious. Okay, so I'm not saying this as your friend, I'm saying this as a guy who's been cooking for 15 years; I would definitely cook it first, just a LITTLE, to get it started. Raw sausage takes a while to cook, often longer than a pizza does, and you have to remember that when it's buried in cheese and other toppings it's not going to cook as fast as it would if it were being cooked alone. And like you said, we don't have the luxury of a pizza oven that reaches a zillion degrees; we're cooking in a little stove at maybe 400 degrees.

    Chef Bryan, who always makes a killer sausage pizza, lightly sears the sausage for about 5 minutes in a cast iron skillet (with seasonings), adds it to the pizza, then lets it finish in the oven. And it's never been dried out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to my insanity; super glad that I could make you laugh though. Because this whole stupid thing was pretty hilarious/ridiculous. Honestly, who fights so hard over such dumb crap? That's me and The Hubs. Now, it's like this non-stop running joke between us and all our friends. Wherever we go, our friends can't wait to ask new people and have them jump in on our argument and tell us what they think/who's side they would be on. It's a real fun game. Try it the next time you go out. Especially here at the Jersey Shore, getting all of the Guidos riled up is a ton o' fun. Honestly, I should find even admitting all of this completely humiliating, but instead, all we do now is get a good laugh out of it.

      I'd appreciate your vote, even if you didn't agree with me, because I value your opinion. But I have to be honest and admit to feeling more than a little smug right now, seeing as both you and Bryan would agree with ME on the same logic and basis of argument I represented to The Husband. :)

      Delete
  3. Oh my gosh… I shouldn't be laughing but I AM…

    I'm a FREAK about making sure meat is cooked all the way, so there's no way I would put uncooked sausage on first… I would probably char it until I knew it was cooked and THEN add it onto the pizza, LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh feel free to laugh. That's what I do when I look back. At the time though, I wasn't even cracking a smile. Funny how time and perspective can change an attitude, LOL.

      And every thing I have ever read/heard, especially about pork, says to make sure it's cooked properly! I really was afraid it would be raw and kill everyone.

      Delete
  4. Funny...just keep in mind that this argument will live on in infamy for years to come.

    Father Nature's Corner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah G.B.! I can't seem to get away from it. That's why I decided to post about it too. This fight continues to haunt me.

      Delete
  5. Who would've thought sausage could cause such a big controversy! I don't know much about sausage on pizza at all, but considering it doesn't take very long to cook a fresh homemade pizza in the oven and it does take longer to cook sausage, I'd say that it has to be cooked a bit first.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU for weighing in your vote. It seems like common sense right? But I have to tell the truth, the majority of pizza places we polled, do not cook the sausage first! Again, I think it has something to do with the temp of their ovens.

      Delete
  6. Can I move in with you? Or at the very least you need to install a webcam in your kitchen so I can enjoy this show from a front row seat. THIS. IS. AWESOME. You crack me up like no other. Also, I would side with you no matter what you said. But yeah, I freak out about raw chicken and pork. If it were beef, I'd probably say meh, just throw it on raw, but sausage...um, no. I love the new blog background, by the way. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for having my back no matter what Ilima! And of course you could come and get a front row seat to all this action any time you want!! I'd love to have you over. Not sure if I ever mentioned this to you before, but once at a wedding The Husband and I sat next to a producer and he offered us a reality TV show. Ha! I guess we are prime entertainment when we get going.

      I thought I needed a new look for Fall. Glad you noticed and liked it!

      Delete
  7. Glad I wasn't hanging out in your kitchen when you were flinging sausage.
    And I want mine pre-cooked. The only thing that should go on a pizza raw are the vegetables.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not my finest moment, FOR SURE. I am ashamed of myself now. At the time, not so much. I was really, really furious. It takes a whole lot to get me mad, and no one else ever gets under my skin like The Husband. Guess cause he knows me the best!

      Delete
  8. My kids remember the day I threw an egg at my husband. He called me a waffler, a straddler of the fence...and it was not appreciated. It landed with a sizzle in the hot skillet. To this day, I claim I aimed for it.

    As for the sausage. I'm all for the blanche. I have had food poisoning and it is NOT pretty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA!! An egg thrower. I love it. Thank you Elizabeth, thank you. I am so relieved to not be the only one who launched food at their husband while pissed off. I didn't mention in the post, (for sake of length) how much The Husband was taunting me and called me "crazy" about a hundred times during this entire episode. And of course, if you are going to call me crazy, I'm going to act crazy!@@ and that was when the sausage flew!!

      Delete
  9. I'm all for pre-cooked. I've had food poisoning and it's not pretty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh!! Sorry to hear that. Food poisoning is no joke. I was positive if I didn't at least blanch that sausage we would all get from food poisoning. And besides, I had always cooked it first in the past, he was just never in the kitchen before standing over me watching my every move. I usually kick him out when Faith and I are cooking. He's too big, takes up too much room and there's already way too many cooks in my kitchen. I don't need him hanging about, eating up all my ingredients before I ever get them into a recipe.

      Delete