This morning I was struck with a bad case of deja vu. Butterflies are swirling around in my stomach and my mind's swarming with all kinds crazy thoughts. These anxious feelings are ones I'd previously fought and thought I'd overcome. But here they are again, trying to reel their ugly little heads.
I am but a few short weeks away from my daughter Farrah graduating from elementary school. Since my girls are only a year apart, last May I faced these same feelings with Faith, daughter #1. Let's just say, I took Faith's graduation and subsequent move up to middle school about as well as one takes a colonoscopy prep. It was vile, messy and tough for me to swallow. I fear change, so much! I love the familiar. The familiar is so awesome because it gives us that illusion of having some control over our lives...LOL. Even though I know it's only an illusion, I still find myself desperately clinging to it.
Oh man, last year, at Faith's graduation, I had worked myself up into such a state, I was a fast disaster! Hot flashes assaulted me one after another in a relentless wave of fury and nuclear heat. The flashes melted the foundation right off my face and left my cheeks, both sets, soaking wet and dripping with sweat. Any traces of dignity the hot flashes didn't rob me of were completely obliterated by the loud, booger filled sobs and subsequent nose blowing that ensued whenever the Principal announced my daughter's name. It was ridiculous. I was being ridiculous. (Can you imagine what I'll be like when they graduate high school? Arggh!) Why couldn't I just enjoy her success and milestone? Why was I such a hot mess? Nope, this neurotic mom was consumed with her own trepidation and fear. My old nemesis had come up and bit me hard on my sweaty butt checks: stupid, stupid change!!
Because I allowed my stupid fear of change to cripple me last year and I was so stinking angry at myself about it afterwards, I never thought I'd be going down this road again. I thought I was over this. How could these feelings I felt with Faith (and I thought I had defeated) come right back up again this morning with Farrah? Yet, here we are. Just like when I eat hot peppers, those lousy feelings are crawling right back up my throat again, repeating themselves.
Thoughts of losing my darling, sweet, innocent elementary school student and exchanging her for the dreaded middle schooler haunted me. I was terrified of losing Faith to the age of puberty and hormones and disrespect. The age wherein your mom suddenly goes from being your center, to persona non grata. Oh yeah, I wallowed in that sad cloud of self-pity and lament over my baby girl growing up and possibly not needing me or gasp, wanting me around anymore, for the entire summer. When Faith started school in September, I cried every day for three weeks. I cried because I felt like I lost her. She went from being home every day at 2:30- to not coming home until 8:00 at night!! Between her sports and activities and new academic commitments, I never got to see her! I missed her SO much. Somewhere, deep, deep down inside, (that rational part of me that likes to hide a lot) knew, this was what was best for her. Growing up is part of life. But I couldn't help myself from feeling so bereft and lost without her. I'm ashamed to tell you how long and how hard I had to pray before I finally yanked my head out of that cloud of negativity and self-pity I was wallowing in and pulled it together.
Funny thing is, as I look back and reflect on this year, it was full of astounding growth and change for Faith. Not just physically but mentally. And all of the growth and change in her has been (praise God) completely positive! If only, if only, I could say the same for her mother! How can I even entertain these deja vu feelings with Farrah, when clearly I saw no good come of them before? Especially since none of my stupid fears even came to fruition! So, I have to ask, have any of you found yourselves revisiting a situation you thought you had a handle on, only to wrestle with it, all over again?
- Jersey Shore, United States
- In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.