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Jersey Shore, United States
In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.

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Friday, May 16, 2014

Wrestling with Deja vu

This morning I was struck with a bad case of deja vu. Butterflies are swirling around in my stomach and my mind's swarming with all kinds crazy thoughts. These anxious feelings are ones I'd previously fought and thought I'd overcome. But here they are again, trying to reel their ugly little heads.

I am but a few short weeks away from my daughter Farrah graduating from elementary school. Since my girls are only a year apart, last May I faced these same feelings with Faith, daughter #1.  Let's just say, I took Faith's  graduation and subsequent move up to middle school about as well as one takes a colonoscopy prep. It was vile, messy and tough for me to swallow. I fear change, so much! I love the familiar. The familiar is so awesome because it gives us that illusion of having some control over our lives...LOL. Even though I know it's only an illusion, I still find myself desperately clinging to it.

Oh man, last year, at Faith's graduation, I had worked myself up into such a state, I was a fast disaster! Hot flashes assaulted me one after another in a relentless wave of  fury and nuclear heat. The flashes melted the foundation right off my face and left my cheeks, both sets, soaking wet and dripping with sweat. Any traces of dignity the hot flashes didn't rob me of were completely obliterated by the loud, booger filled sobs and subsequent nose blowing that ensued whenever the Principal announced my daughter's name. It was ridiculous. I was being ridiculous. (Can you imagine what I'll be like when they graduate high school? Arggh!)  Why couldn't I just enjoy her success and milestone? Why was I such a hot mess? Nope, this neurotic mom was consumed with her own trepidation and fear. My old nemesis had come up and bit me hard on my sweaty butt checks: stupid, stupid change!!

Because I allowed my stupid fear of change to cripple me last year and I was so stinking angry at myself about it afterwards, I never thought I'd be going down this road again. I thought I was over this. How could these feelings I felt with Faith (and I thought I had defeated) come right back up again this morning with Farrah? Yet, here we are. Just like when I eat hot peppers, those lousy feelings are crawling right back up my throat again, repeating themselves.

Thoughts of losing my darling, sweet, innocent elementary school student and exchanging her for the dreaded middle schooler haunted me. I was terrified of losing Faith to the age of puberty and hormones and disrespect. The age wherein your mom suddenly goes from being your center, to persona non grata.  Oh yeah, I wallowed in that sad cloud of self-pity and lament over my baby girl growing up and possibly not needing me or gasp, wanting me around anymore, for the entire summer. When Faith started school in September, I cried every day for three weeks. I cried because I felt like I lost her. She went from being home every day at 2:30- to not coming home until 8:00 at night!! Between her sports and activities and new academic commitments, I never got to see her! I missed her SO much. Somewhere, deep, deep down inside, (that rational part of me that likes to hide a lot) knew, this was what was best for her. Growing up is part of life. But I couldn't help myself from feeling so bereft and lost without her. I'm ashamed to tell you how long and how hard I had to pray before I finally yanked my head out of that cloud of negativity and self-pity I was wallowing in and pulled it together.

Funny thing is, as I look back and reflect on this year, it was full of astounding growth and change for Faith. Not just physically but mentally. And all of the growth and change in her has been (praise God) completely positive! If only, if only, I could say the same for her mother! How can I even entertain these deja vu feelings with Farrah, when clearly I saw no good come of  them before? Especially since none of my stupid fears even came to fruition! So, I have to ask, have any of you found yourselves revisiting a situation you thought you had a handle on, only to wrestle with it, all over again?

20 comments:

  1. Wow, two middle schoolers! It's wonderful to hear how great the year has been for Faith. You're raising some amazing girls. I bet the same will happen with Farrah. Take a deep breath, okay, several of them, and think happy thoughts. Then eat lots of chocolate ice cream. Repeat. I always thought I'd be the calm and encouraging mom, but having a kid has made me so much more emotional. I'm already having stress dreams about my little guy starting kindergarten and that's still another year and a half away!

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    1. Christine I still struggle with the fact that I am old enough to drive, much less have two middle schoolers!!! LOL Time has a way of slipping right on by! I am trying to think happy thoughts. I am trying to not loose myself to the fear of change, again. I know I'm being overly anxious and neurotic. But it's hard to shut down those old pattern of thoughts...FYI there is an industrial sized bar of chocolate in the night stand next to my bed, in case of an "emergency". LOL !!!

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  2. Um, yes. With writing. It never gets easier sending out a manuscript to a reader. I'm sure bad reviews will always hurt, no matter how many times you go through it. But it's like you said, despite the pain, there's growth too. Big hugs for you my friend. Your girls are amazing and that's just a reflection of how awesome their mama is. <3

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    1. Oh I bet I will be a total hot mess when (and if) I ever get the courage to send a manuscript out to be reviewed. Geez, I can barely send my work out to my CPs without freaking. And they are always so kind and gracious to me!

      I appreciate the support and comments and I agree with you 100%. My girls are amazing! But I have to give all the credit and thanks to God- cause it sure isn't because of their crazy, neurotic mother. The only thing I ever take credit for- is the one thing I know as a mom I do right- that's PRAY!! I pray for them without fail, every single day. I couldn't make it any other way.

      Speaking of moms, I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day and are enjoying time with your beautiful family.

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  3. I love being a mom Jaybird. I knew when I held my first little bundle- this is where I peak. You know how people suffer the glory days of high school, always longing for a return to their youth? Well, I want to start mommyhood all over. When I put my first son on a school bus, he was fine until I broke down. Then I suffered the guilt all day of upsetting him. I was crying to a friend, who pointed out- yes, you're losing your baby, but you are gaining a wonderful human. She was so right! Now I feel the melancholy, but I am no longer floored. My babies have grown into wonderful young men. And you know what? They still need me. I'm not persona non grata. I am called in for the big decisions, the homework help, the girl issues...you name it, my boys have stayed connected. They know I love them and I may no longer be the center of their universe, but I am their biggest fans and they know I will always be in the stands and cheering them on. I have another boy graduating high school this year and I will be so sad to see him go on to college...but he is soooo excited. It's hard for me to not be a little excited for him, now that I know...you never lose your baby, but you gain wonderful adult beings (I would say friends, but Mom still doesn't want to know some things, ya know?)

    You'll make it. I'll keep you in my prayers. I am prone to hyperventilation when I let my brain spin out of control...so I get it!

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    1. Thanks so much Elizabeth. I always say there is nothing more humbling than being a mom!! I look at my girls with joy and their milestones and victories are always a source of pure pride. But then, just as fast as they can do something wonderful, kids have that unfailing way of doing something that can humble you right to the ground. Maybe it's God's way of keeping me from becoming too conceited!! LOL I know I will get past these fearful feelings of losing my girls- cause that's all they are, stupid feelings. Faith and I are closer now than ever before. And yes, she still needs me. Maybe more so. She tells me everything and I am so grateful for that. Some of my girlfriends call me, just so that I can ask Faith what is going on at school, because she always tells us the truth- even if it's not favorable. I pray that never changes!!

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  4. Cannot say it will get any easier, sorry. Middle school is a true challenge for students socially. Just stay on top of all the phone, text, twitter, tweet, FaceBook, emails, etc. Those are extensions of "friends" who sometimes are the worst enemies.

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    1. Oh I completely agree! I think social media has brought so much more angst to the table. It's hard to escape. One stupid mistake and it's spread all over the school in a millisecond. And let's face it, most middle school kids aren't thinking beyond the immediate moment, to contemplate the fall out of their impulse or poor choices.

      I am very blessed to have the daughters I have. They are all bright, studious, kind and considerate. The friends they choose to surround themselves with (at least for the time being) are all just as studious and serious about school. Which I am praying will never, ever change!!

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  5. My kids are still in the early years of elementary school, but that will only last so long. I can't even think about what it will be like to send them to middle school! I guess I have a block on it or something because I try to go there and my mind is like, nope! No way!
    My heart goes out to you, Jen. Watching our babies grow bigger and bigger is humbling and harrowing, indeed. Hugs!

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    1. Sending your kids off to middle school is like a mommy-graduation. It's time to hold your breath and see if all of your hard work and dedication to teaching your kids and trying to raise them right, is about to pay off or not. And oh my gosh, I was on the phone with my sister today and she happened to off- handed mention Faith will be driving in four years. I almost threw up!!! Driving? ARGH! NO WAY. My mind can't even get past elementary school. LOL

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  6. Non of us want to think of our kids not wanting us around all the time any more. It is scary and we can all understand what you are going through, a huge mixture of pride, fear and love. Just thinking about my youngest off to university in September gives me goosebumps! Massive hugs to you :)

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    1. Hugs right back at you. When my girls go off to college, it will be one right after the other for three years straight. I am going to wind up a total nutter!! LOL Here's hoping they don't choose to go to far away to college.

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  7. I always get a little worried at the end of the year. Will they like their teachers next year? Will they have any friends in their class? Stuff like that. Somehow it always turns out okay. :)

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    1. This year was rough for my little one, but only because she seriously LOVED her teacher so much last year. I knew she wouldn't readily accept or want to bond with a new teacher this year. It's almost June and she is still lamenting the loss of last year's teacher. LOL At least she didn't allow her "prejudice" to affect her grades.

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  8. Well, I'll be getting a little personal here. I don't have children so I can't really relate on that front but I do have depression. It's been under control lately and I've been feeling great but it does tend to creep back in from time to time. It is a very frustrating feeling because you know why you are feeling it and why you shouldn't yet it is difficult to control when it grabs you.

    I haven't had any bad downers lately, (thank God) but I've had uncomfortable periods. You just have to learn routines or habits that help lessen them when they do come around. Ranting on the blog or sharing your woes can be part of that. I exercise when I can and try to take care of myself. The important thing is knowing it happens and trying to find a way to counter it.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear about your battles with depression and I truly appreciate your candor. I understand all about wanting to change an emotion or feeling, but just not being able to, on your own. I have to say I am pretty envious that you exercise when you're feeling uncomfortable. I am a bit more destructive- I tend to eat an entire gallon of chocolate ice cream and pass out...Yeah. NOT the healthiest of choices.

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  9. I don't have many fond memories of being in middle school. Too many kids pretending and acting to be older than they really were. Social stigma and immaturity was all around, and personally gave me many emotional scars. I think the only time it really got tolerable was in 12th grade and then oops high school is over.

    I'm really glad that part of my life is over.

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    1. A lot of people will say that those years are "the best" of your life. Hardly!! It's such a time of insecurity and uncertainty for so many kids. I was like you, and didn't come into my own until much later in life.

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  10. Aw, sorry to hear you're going through these feelings all over again! I agree, change can be hard to deal with sometimes. Glad to hear Faith has had such a fantastic year, though!

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  11. Man 'o man, can I ever relate. It's so hard to send your babies out into the cold cruel world. You send them off in the morning and each day as they return, they grow a little more 'hard', having to cope with all the 'carp you learn in school'.

    The flip side is that watching your children grow up makes the time seem to fly by and although we still feel young at heart (who is that old lady in the mirror?) having this grown up young woman call you Mom is a real reality check.

    The bottom line is that 'empty nest' is no joke. I've always felt that from the moment the doctor laid that sweet baby in my arms, it was my job to start letting go, BUT that is a whole lot easier said than done. Hang in there, as this too shall pass, and before you know it you'll be onto grandchildren and starting all over again.

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