- Jersey Shore, United States
- In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Insecure Writer's Support Group: MARCHing on!
I'm very thankful for the note that pops up on the first Wednesday of every month, reminding me to post for the Insecure Writer's Support Group! Cause even though things are crazy in my life, and I haven't been able to post regularly, y'all know I never miss the IWSG. If you are interested in learning more about this awesome group, you can check it out over on Alex Cavanaugh's site.
I am SO over you, February!! Good riddance month of misery, freezing cold, snow, surgery and pain! I am thrilled to be ushering in the month of March with joy in my heart, a smile back on my face and a super-sized Shamrock Shake in my hand. I'd love to tell you that I woke up March 1st free of my writerly insecurities but that would be a big fat lie. I am still riddled with them. (Especially since I was unable to write a blessed word the entire month of February and had zero energy to accomplish any of my writing goals.)
What I did wake up with on March 1st, is so much better. I woke up with one less tumor in my body, and a cancer free diagnosis. Praise God! Please forgive me for this departure from convention, but I'd really like to keep my insecurity on the down low this month and expound a bit more on my positive news.
It's so hard for me, a so-called woman of words, to adequately describe the relief, amazement and burden I feel lifted today. It's almost like I haven't been able to take a full breath in months, and I'm suddenly realizing I can breath again. Ironically, the worst of it all, was not the operation itself. It wasn't the incision or all the stitches either. Although the recovery was painful; it's always a huge risk whenever I undergo any surgery because along with an auto-immune disease, I have a bleeding disorder. And ultimately, I did develop some complications. I had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia and became violently ill. Wicked migraine, shakes, fever, fainting, vomiting, diarrhea, itching, swelling...overall hot mess of misery from head to toe, (you get the idea). But that unpleasantness wasn't the absolute worst thing about this whole ordeal either. It was the worry I put my family through.
It tore me up inside to see the fear in my daughters' eyes. My two older girls and I did a lot of talking and sharing of their feelings, in order to help ease their worry. But my little one wouldn't say too much. My girls are no strangers to cancer. You see, these are the same three girls, who just four short years ago, watched their beloved and beautiful Aunt, wither away. They saw her suffer through multiple chemo treatments and eventually had to say their good byes. Imagine the stress on my kids, hearing the dreaded "C" word being thrown around the house again. My oldest said, "This is my worst nightmare, coming true." Ugh. I'm a momma-it's my nature to want to protect and shield them from any hurt or harm- not be the cause of it!!
Even though I was able to come home the same day as surgery, I was still pretty out of it. For approximately twelve hours, every time I picked up my head, I would get sick. At one point, I woke up and heard the strangest sound. Turns out, my little one had crept into my room while I was sleeping. She was sitting on the floor, in my dark room, trying to stifle her sobs! Poor kid. It just broke my heart. Especially since a week or so before my surgery, one of my girlfriends called to tell me that her daughter (my little one's best friend) came to her in tears, she was so worried about me. Apparently, the pair of them were getting together every day at recess time and instead of playing, they were praying together that I would be healed of cancer! Bless their little hearts.
Whenever I write about my husband, it's usually a testament to his courage and strength. (or sometimes it's cause he's royally pissed me off, he he he) Seriously though, there are very few things that man is afraid of. But every fearful glance passed between him and my poor mother, whenever they thought I wasn't looking broke me. Watching the stress manifest itself in my families lives, and not being able to squash their fears, was honestly the worst part of this whole ordeal. Being able to deliver the good news on that pathology report, was the best. What a privilege and joy to be able to shout, don't worry, it's not cancer!
I am incredibly grateful, but more importantly, humbled by the amount of friends, family members, and followers that prayed for me during this difficult time. For the positive comments, thoughts, well wishes and prayers, thank you. I'd like to leave you all with this thought: I don't know why I was spared from cancer, and my sister was not. But I do know this, I am thanking God for His grace, and I'm going to live my life like the gift that it is. I'm MARCHing on peeps. I hope my words will encourage you today. ~ Jaybird