About Me

My photo
Jersey Shore, United States
In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.

Total Pageviews

Friday, September 6, 2013

Welcome to My Wonderful Life

So, here I am, rushing to get to the bank yesterday before it closes, when I realize I left the check I wanted to deposit, home on the kitchen counter. I have to turn around and go back, after I had driven almost all the way to the stupid bank.

I dash back into the house, grab the check and hurry back out the door. I run straight into a cob web. A huge cob web that gets tangled in my hair and laces itself across my face. Many of you know I am completely bat-shiz crazy and suffer from many phobias, but arachnophobia is at the very top of that list. I am convinced that there is a spider on me somewhere, and I am FREAKING OUT. But I can't fart around looking for an imaginary spider because the bank is going to close and I won't be able to deposit that check. Dang. I jump in my sweet WHIP, (a/k/a my mini-van) and take off.

The whole time I'm driving I'm still totally wigging, peeking up in my rear-view mirror, checking my reflection and running my  fingers through my hair, trying to see if there is a spider (God forbid) on me. I can't shake that creepy-crawly feeling. I open all the windows in the vain hope that if there is a spider on me it will blow out with the breeze. (I know this is completely retarded but it makes me feel better.)  I make a sharp left and my totally awesome Wolverine bobble-head I have had on my dashboard forever flies out the freaking window. I am driving on a super highway with a ton of lanes- there is no way I can go back and recover it. I am devastated, but what can I do?  :(

Finally, we make it back to the bank. But we have to wait, because now, there is a line. I get into the drive up middle lane, which looks like it's the shortest but of course, it's not. We have to wait longer than anyone else. Twenty minutes later, it's our turn and I place the check and deposit slip in the plastic bank thingy and press the button.  A fight breaks out in the back of the van, over something really important, like who's the best Mario Kart player or some such bull and it starts to get heated.  I start yelling over the seat for the girls to settle down and knock it off because I have a headache and am all frazzled from this whole ordeal. They keep fighting and completely ignore me and I am getting pissed- all I want to do is get the heck home. I grab the stupid plastic container and take out  my receipt. I place the thingy back in  the cradle that holds it and start to drive away. Only I didn't really place it all the way back in because at the last second, I feel something run down my leg!! So I involuntarily push the gas pedal and start swatting at my leg and screaming and I run the stupid thing over!!  I ran the plastic bank thing over- all you hear is this incredible CRUNCH. And then the van finally becomes silent. Every single car around me is staring and pointing and the people in the car behind me start honking their horn at me and are so pissed off, because they had to wait twenty minutes too and now they have no thingy to put their shit in and they are hollering at me! The fight between the girls is forgotten as they dissolve into giggles and total embarrassment. They duck down in their seats so no one can see them but don't stop laughing like crazy. I look over to the teller through the window and I realize she is laughing so hard she's crying. I put my arms up and am all, "Oops, my bad." What do I do?  Do I go back inside? Do I dare to just drive away? She waves me on. I don't wait for her to change her mind- I smoke my mini-van tires and ride off like a bat-shiz crazy bitch from hell.

Ah, welcome to just a little slice of my wonderful life... Some days, it's just so incredibly fun being me.~Jaybird

44 comments:

  1. Hey, what are you going to do at that point but laugh? If the teller was amused and not stressed by it, don't worry.
    Did you ever find the spider?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NEVER found the spider! I event took my disgusting van to the car wash and tore it apart looking, vacuumed the whole thing too, just to be safe, and never found it. Freaking spiders, messing with my head! Hate em.

      Delete
  2. Oh dear. I am so so sorry. Will you forgive me if I can't stop laughing at the same time? Don't stop being you, Jaybird. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every time I think about it, I laugh. Cause, let's face it, at this point, I'm never gonna change. What else can I but laugh at myself? I am totally Bob, from the movie, What About Bob? (If you haven't seen it, you must.) I'm just taking baby steps through life, and laughing at myself along the way!

      Delete
  3. LOL....I've had quite a few of those days, so I feel your pain. I mean, minus the kids in the back...but still :)

    Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The kids were the icing on the cake Mark- I mean, who really cares who's the best at Mario Kart that we have to have this big ole show down about it at the bank! Needless to say, they didn't get any lollipops that day! LOL

      Delete
  4. That sounds incredibly dangerous. Distracted driving could result in a serious accident. Next time, I recommend letting go of the goal to reach the bank on time, taking a time out, and getting yourself in order before you get behind the wheel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ironically, I'm the only person I know who won't drink so much as one drop of alcohol if I am driving. Cause I'm responsible like that. But leave it to a stupid spider, to cause my undoing on the road.

      Delete
  5. Ha ha ha! Sorry to laugh at your pain, but that was highly entertaining :) I'm very sorry to hear about Wolverine, though. What are the odds of him going flying out the window?

    I can't believe the people behind you in line were mad. I mean, all the bank teller has to do is send a new one out. I'm sure that's not the first time that's happened!

    What a day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is Jersey. People ride around every day, pissed off at the world. It doesn't take much to set them off! :)

      The odds, are pretty high, considering this is my life. The only thing that surprises me is that this didn't happen sooner! Don't feel bad though, I have a spare on my computer desk at home. And a Wolverine Pez dispenser and a couple of action figures and a bunch of stickers, notebooks and even a Frisbee... I'll be just fine.

      Delete
  6. I have so many days like that!!!I have told my kids since they were young, "Remember Mommy just (add bizarre thing here), so you remember that when I'm old and don't stick me in a home every time I do something insane...it's just me!"

    One of my son's favorite moments is when I rolled up to the Long John Silver's drive through and forgot the name for tartar sauce. She asked if I wanted sauce and I said yeah, the white kind with the pickle chunks. People in my town probably think I drink.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL about the drive through! I have total brain farts whenever I go through a drive-up window too! What's up with that? I mean, if I haven't memorized what's on a stinking McDonald's menu by now, what the heck is wrong with me?

      And I am SURE people who don't know me must think I'm on something or a binge drinker!! But I have never touched a drug in my life and I can count on one hand how often I've been drunk. That's not how I roll. Could you imagine if someone like me added alcohol/illegal substances to my already jacked up brain? Lord have mercy!

      Delete
  7. Ohmigod!!! I am freaking splitting my sides here. I feel ya, that's my life in a nutshell too. My kids have some of THE DUMBEST fights EVER!! My favorites are when the are complaining about the other is sitting too close. "I can feel his/her bosy heat" REALLY?!
    Spiders EESH!!
    I used to work at a bank... the plastic tube thingy is no bid deal... really!
    You know, Wolverines are meant as dashboard accessories anyways, he's better off in the wild. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did anyone ever run that plastic thing over when you worked at the bank? Cause I am sure they are all talking about me doing it! The teller was absolutely hysterical laughing. I'm not sure if it's because I ran over the thing, or she heard me trying to break up the fight about who's the best Mario Kart player- or the sight of me so frazzled and redonculous is just that funny! I'm kind of betting on a combo of all the above. :)

      Delete
  8. Nice post, great blog, following :)

    Good Luck :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Gran Turismo!! I'm so happy to meet you. Thanks so much for the follow! Welcome to the Bird's Nest!!

      Delete
  9. That is insane. Super embarrassing but at least you were allowed to go.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. Insanity. Welcome to a little slice of my life. LOL The fun never ends.

      Delete
  10. In your defense you could claim the bank shorted you on cash so you ran over the plastic thingy to teach them a lesson.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't even check the stupid envelope to see if I had what I needed, I was so embarrassed I smoked my mini-van tires and go the heck out of Dodge!! LOL

      Delete
  11. I love you! I've missed your blog so much. If I'd had a day like that, I'd be on the floor, in the corner, sobbing to myself. Not blogging about it and laughing at myself. You're amazing! And you know, I'm totally going to hunt down a Wolverine bobble-head and mail it to you! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOVE you too Clare. And totally missed you!! If I cried every time I had a day like this, I'd flood the earth. LOL Don't worry about the Bobble-head, (although that is incredibly sweet of you) I have a back up at home. I'm just not going to put it on my dashboard. It will sit it safely on top of my computer desk from now on. :)

      Delete
  12. I often use a washcloth to dry my hair after a shower. One time I found the remains of a spider in it, and I realized what I had just rubbed into my hair. Of course, I washed my hair again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Mark!! As soon as I got home, the first thing I did was jump in the shower and try to "wash" the icky spider feeling off of me. Never did find the stupid thing!! YUCK.

      Delete
  13. That is frickin' hilarious. Because, of course, it wasn't happening to me, but it sounds familiar-too familiar. Love ya Jay!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, the joys of being a mom to three girls a year apart, a crazy schedule, always rushing and throwing in a healthy dose of crazy on top of that. And there you have it, me! T be perfectly honest, I'm surprised more doesn't go wrong on the day to day, LOL.

      Delete
  14. Something that needs to get done + back seat full of kids + waiting in line = many many stories much like this one. Thanks for sharing though, lets me know I am not alone. lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Brandon!! Yes, it helps to know I can laugh with other parents/people about my crazy life. And the kids fighting in the back seat, really? It's always something so ridiculously important too, like who's the best Mario Kart player? Come on!!!

      Delete
  15. Ah angry kids in the car, I had a mother hit me in the back while at a light because of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, Adam, that stinks!! Sorry to hear that. At least I was parked when the fight broke out. But yes, it is very distracting to be trying to break up a kid fight while driving. I could see how someone could get in an accident because of it.

      Delete
  16. Wonderful! So sorry to laugh, but I can just picture it! And I learned something new today - you have DRIVE THROUGH banks?! Wow!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you don't? I don't think I've gone into an actual bank in years! I always go to the drive through. So much more convenient when you have three kids strapped in the back of the car. Trust me, the bank is lucky I don't go inside. :)

      Delete
  17. This brings back so many memories, good ones mostly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan! Oh yeah, these will be stories to tell my grandkids one day...(I hope) to make them laugh.

      Delete
  18. Ack! Talk about a stressful day! "Stressful" is probably an understatement, though... o_O

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stupid spiders freaking me out! Hate those creepy crawly things- :)

      Delete
  19. Hey, if the people behind me started flipping out/honking, I'd step outside of my car, take a bow, and then gracefully drive off. People need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and sometimes sh*t happens. You just have to laugh, accept that it's gonna take a few extra minutes, and just move on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They were just lucky The Husband wasn't with me. When he steps out of the car, people pretty much start crapping their pants. He just has this psycho look about him- it's pretty frightening. Meanwhile, there I am, laughing at myself almost as hard as the teller and my girls were! I think that might have been what made the people in the car behind me even madder, I didn't respond the way they thought I should. LOL

      Delete
  20. I am laughing so hard, I can't even comment. I'm so glad we're friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *HUGS* Right back at ya!! And yes, this was just a small part of the day. I could go on and on from there, about what happened next, and none of it was any less insane or hilarious :)

      Delete
  21. In any situation involving spiders it's totally acceptable to be bat shit crazy!

    ReplyDelete
  22. This was hilarious and awesome. I'll never look at those bank-canister-things ever again without giggling!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hey you! I've been missing you. :( I responded to your post on my blog for IWSG, but those emails never seem to make it to you. Are you on FB at all? I'd love to be able to connect with you there and keep in better touch. :)

    ReplyDelete