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Jersey Shore, United States
In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

J is for Jacked Up


So, I promised Michael Offutt, since I made him really sad with my letter “H” post the other day, I'd be back to my usual self and posting something ridiculous really soon. Well, here it is.
 
Jaybird, is jacked up. For reals. Let me tell you why. (if you are a regular follower, you could probably save us some time here and list all the reasons yourself..) It's not always easy for me to pull it together and get out of the house, especially in the morning. For those of you who don't know me, it's not because I'm a closet drinker (although I might be rethinking that position, after this morning's escapades) but because I have an auto-immune disease that makes it a little difficult to spring right up and out of bed sometimes. Anyway, this morning, I had to push myself to get up and go before I was really ready. And it showed.

I, was a disaster, from head to toe! My hair was not only uncombed, but a perfect place for a rat to nest and sadly in need of a dye job. My face, (oh, the horror) was make-up less! Argh. I ALWAYS wear make-up. I feel naked without it. And generally, I don't leave the house with any less make-up  than a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race. But on this particular morning, I lacked the time. But that's not the worst of it, because my face, in addition to being make-up less, had a giant pimple, smack dab in the middle of my chin. Now, let's talk wardrobe. Lord, have mercy, I am cringing while I type this. I was wearing my 20+ year old Star Wars t-shirt and my daughter's sweat pants. My daughters sweats! What was I thinking?  But believe it or not, my appearance, although jacked, is not why Jaybird is jacked up.

I'm jacked up, because this morning, after successfully avoiding my ex-boyfriend for close to ten years, I  bumped into him. Today. Of all the mornings in my life, son of a bitch, I see him this morning rocking my Lindsay Lohan in prison looks more pulled together than me outfit! There was no way I could run in the other direction and avoid him either. We literally bumped into each other! And now, holy crap, this Bird wants to bury her head in the sand and DIE of humiliation.

Why oh why, of all days, did I have to see him today? Screw Murphy. It must be Jaybird's Law. The jacked up part about all of this, is how much I care. Not because I still care about the ex, oh my Lord no. I have been pretty out in the open here about how douchey some of my ex-boyfriends were. Well, this one, let's just say, was the Grand Master  Douche of them all.  I am also honest about my relationship with The Husband. Those of you who follow this blog, know I am TAKEN. With a capital T. I have three kids and am happily married. I love my husband with all my heart and would never even dream of stepping out on him. (Unless Wolverine ever happens to show up on my doorstep; in an extreme HJ emergency like that, there just might be a little line crossing, lol. ) What I'm so seriously jacked up about is how come I care so much about how bad I looked? 

I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but I used to be cute, back in the day. But now, oh my good Lord. Now, I look like the fat-assed, grey-haired, ogre that ATE Jaybird. There is nothing cute about me. I'm a disaster. I'm mortified. My pride has taken a huge hit. And some things, as we all know, can't be unseen. How much do you wanna bet the ex went home and told everyone he knows, how completely pathetic I looked? Gah! 

This "J" post is so jacked up. I'm so jacked up. I SHOULD NOT care what the Grand Master Douche of ex-boyfriends thinks about me. But I do. Damn it, I do! And I realize this entire post could be reposted under the letter W for "Waaaaa!" because of all the whining. Sorry. Bout. That. On the bright side, guess who just found all the motivation in the world to loose some freaking weight? Oh yeah, it's on!!

44 comments:

  1. Girl! You need to check yo'self before you wreck yo'self. lol. I had to say it. I'm sure you are still hot-to-trot and men are jealous of your husband. But I do feel you. I think all women feel this way at one time or another.
    Dani @ Entertaining Interests
    #warriorminion

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    1. Dani-girl you are too kind. But I know my limits; I usually work my two best asssets, distance and hair. LOL

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  2. Whaaaaa? You're not like any ogre I've seen. All of the pictures you post of yourself look H-O-T hot. I bet that guy went home and cried himself to sleep.

    Also, I just found out an ex of mine moved 2 blocks away from me. I can hardly wait until summer arrives and I go for my daily runs and I run into her CONSTANTLY.

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    1. Aw, thanks B. And if my douchey ex moved two blocks away, I'd be tripping. But Dude, I was rocking my 20 year old Star Wars t-shirt and my daughter's sweats; it was NOT a good look on me. Trust. I know, at the very least, I could represent better than that :)

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  3. It seems to always work that way doesn't it? On days you look fabulous you see no one, and then on the other days... everyone you shouldn't care about.

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    1. Ain't that the truth! The times I'm actually prepared and look pretty good, I never see anyone!

      Thanks so much for stopping in Melanie!

      BTW- The picture of you and the baby is stunning. How beautiful you are and the baby is adorable. Love it!

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  4. I hear a lot of women say this, but you probably looked way better than you imagined. Most of the women in my family and friends are so harshly self-critical of their looks.

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    1. Aw, thanks Adam. You sound like my little brother, he said something very similar to what you did when I told him. Thanks so much!

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  5. Give me a break. You are a hottie and I bet you look gorgeous with no make-up--pimple, rat-nest hair and sweats to boot. What happened? Did you guys talk or ignore each other or just give evil stares? I bet he was ogling you the whole time, thinking how hot you still were. :)

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    1. LOL, mo evil stares. He actually seemed to mature a bit. It was quite a sad reunion, not just because of how I looked, but because he asked about my family and didn't know my sister had passed. It never gets any easier, having to tell people (or myself) she's gone.

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  6. That happened to DD2 when she and I were out shopping at Christmas. There we were in our clothes we had been running in and there was her ex with his wife. OF course my DD was horrified but I have to say, cleaned up or not, she always looks great. So, maybe it wasn't as bad as you think? Yeah, let's go with that! You'll feel better. :)

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    1. It was worse! LOL.

      I've seen those pictures of DD2 she is a stunner! She probably looked beautiful, even in her old running around clothes.

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  7. Oh my . . .you had me laughing so hard I spit tea out of my mouth while reading this post. I have so felt like that, and I feel your pain. I feel like I ate the old me too. I just had a day like that a few weeks ago - I didn't run into any exes, but I would have felt the same way, and I don't know why I should care. I love my hubster, but there is something about running into someone from the "old days" when I looked fit and trim . . .and then suddenly realizing that I don't look that good anymore. I've lost ten pounds since last year . . . but I want to lose the next 40. And gain back some muscle so I look like I can kick butt again instead of just looking like a big butt.
    Thanks for this post . . .you made me laugh. I hope you feel better soon!

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    1. Hey T- Glad I could give you laugh!

      I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels jacked up like this. It's hard on your body having three kids in three years and getting older in general. I will figure it out.

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  8. BTW - I'm sure you rocked that Star Wars shirt anyway!

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    1. Oh my gosh I should have retired that shirt years ago. But it's so soft and worn, I love to wear it around the house. It's a bit tighter than it used to be, (in the boob department)I really have no right wearing it out of the house, lol.

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  9. You're right - why should you care? Laugh it off and move on.

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    1. I should be able to shake it off and just laugh. Don't know why it's bothering me so much! Gah.

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  10. It seems to me that this might be, after all, a blessing in disguise if it hurt your pride enough to get you back on your goal about getting fit. There's nothing better than a challenged pride, I say. At least it works for me. Want to get me back on my feet faster than a fire cracker under my tail? Challenge my pride. Then you'll see some results. So it's time for Jaybird Strikes Back!

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    1. Oh my gosh, "Jaybird Strikes Back" Al- that's brilliant. I love it!! Can I steal that line? Because I think that's going to be my new mantra!!

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  11. No, you shouldn't care...but I feel your pain!!! Once I was repainting my basement. I was three days into the job and on the tale end and just wanted to be DONE. Well, Saturday morning rolls around, I dress in my wrinkled work clothes, not only didn't bother to DO my hair, but didn't wash it either. I mean I was just painting, right? Well, I ran out of paint...made a Wal Mart run and there I ran into the bitchiest bitch I went to high school with!!!And of course this chick NEVER has a hair out of place...and then there is me looking like the great unwashed! I wanted to crawl under a rock.

    I just have a need to look good in front of people who have taken jabs at me and I loathe the idea that she probably smuggly told everyone, "I saw Liz," lower voice to whisper, "I don't she even bathes anymore!"
    Arrrrgghhh!!! Damn you fate!!!

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  12. I think everyone can relate to this. I bumped into an ex when I was working at this horrible crappy job, looking horrible crappy yuck and I gave him the wrong change because I got all flustered. I can only imagine he left thinking he dodged a bullet. Big loser!!! I used to be cute too, but I'm a wreck and could use some diet and exercise...STAT!!

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    1. Lisa- oh my gosh thanks so much for your comment. I am glad I am not alone. And I would have totally given out the wrong change and got all flustered too. Here's to moving on, and getting back into shape. It's my plan to pull myself together, and then "bump" into him again, lol.

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  13. Whatever! Don't try playing the "I used to be cute" card on us....we all know you're a cutie and that attitude is second to none! The hubby is a lucky man and I'm sure your ex-douche knows it :)

    Human nature can do funny things to us, sometimes....next time, listen to your brain and it'll remind you how better off you are! :)

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    1. LOL! Thanks Mark.

      My brain knows I am better off. The ex hasn't even crossed my mind in the past ten years, until I ran smack into him! There's no avoiding that. Awkward...

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  14. Stuff like that always happens when we least want it to. Bah to the tricksy Fates! Also, Star Wars shirts are cool. I wore my 20 year old Animaniacs t-shirt yesterday!

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    1. Hi Chrisitne- I have much cooler, better fitting Star Wars shirts. But because I'm a geek, I don't want to ruin those by wearing them out, ha ha ha. It's good to know I'm not the only one running around in 20 year old t-shirts though!!

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  15. Jaybirdy!!!!! G-friend, first off, you're smoking Hot with a capital H! In fact, you're so hot that I have a confession to make . . . (not that kind of confession) when I look at your picture, I'm totally jealous because you're such a beauty, then add your great personality to your stunning looks, and you're totally enviable. Okay, that out of the way, I'm laughing my big butt off at you and your 20 year old Star Wars shirt, but really the ex probably thought that was hot too. And my gosh, YOU CAN WEAR YOUR DAUGHTERS SWEATS!!!!! Double gah!!!! This tells me your butt must be pretty small! In all seriousness, though, I know exactly how you felt. It doesn't matter that we no longer care about our exes, we still want them to think we're hot and maybe even wish they were pining away for us, lol! He probably went home and wept, crying tears over you, the one that got away. :D

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    1. You are too much Celeste! Thanks for the self-esteem boost. I need that today.

      I don't know what's wrong with me! I am mad at myself that I care so much. But I guess that's what pride does to us, huh? And my daughter's sweats are really stretchy. Although, no fabric should have so much stretch asked of them...lol. The Star Wars tee, has seen much better days. Princess Leia's face is all stretched out and warped, from my boobs, lol. Man, I was a sight to be seen. I wish I had a picture, just so everyone could see, how outrageously bad I looked. It's pretty comical.

      And I bet my ex went home and wept big fat tears of joy, that he let me go before I turned into such a hot mess, lol.

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    2. Hahahahaaa! You're great! Since you didn't snap a pic, I think we all at least deserve a pic of that Star Wars T, lol! You don't even have to put it on...just hang it up and take a snapshot. Crap you could write a whole blog post about you and your shirt, the years of abuse it's endured, and what it would take for you to finally retire it! :P

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    3. Oh- Celeste, that's such a great idea! I'm feeling a "S is for stretched out Star Wars t-shirts" LOL !!!

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  16. You are nutty, woman! I've never seen a bad picture of you. You are gorgeous! Even in sweats and messy hair, I still bet you looked pretty. I get the being mortified part, though. Of all the times to run into him, it HAD to be when you felt your sloppiest! Ugh. I feel confident that he didn't think you look like crap, though :)

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    1. Oh, trust me, it was Jaybird at her WORST. That zit my chin was sporting, took the cake. It was ginormous. Gah. Of all days....why, that one?

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  17. Oh yeah, well tell us how the ex looked. I'm willing to bet he wasn't so super cool and sexy as you once might have thought. All that said, living on an island in the middle of the Caribbean creates some great insulation from this type of thing EVER happening. Besides, I think mine are all dead.

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    1. Oh my gosh Faraway- you are so funny! I have to admit, he was never a real big looker in the first place, and the years have not been all that kind to him either. But I still would have liked to look my best, instead of rocking the "last call, lights on, beer googles off look" LOL

      And I hope all of your exes aren't really dead? Are they?

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  18. I hope the ex- realized what he lost! Your pic says you are darn cute.

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    1. Hey Susan- Oh that's easy to explain, I use "selective pictures" only. LOL. But thank you for the compliment.

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  19. Yikes! Days like that are so brutal. So sorry you ran into your douchey ex while you felt so meh about your looks. Why must the universe always have such a cruel sense of humor like this?!

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    1. I'm telling you Heather, it's Jaybird's Law. I'm just lucky I didn't get into an accident on the way home, so everyone in the ER could see the awful underwear I happened to have on, lol.

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  20. You are cute; I think you're gorgeous. Why is it we get so bothered about people from our pasts seeing us when we don't look our best? I've had similar experiences myself, and I can completely sympathies. You've just got to remember the opinions of people who're important - your hubby and daughter. ;)

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    1. Thanks Clare. It's really more about my insecurities, than about him, when you come down to it. And a bit of good old fashion v-a-n-i-t-y I shouldn't be holding on to! LOL

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  21. I'd still hate for my ex to see me looking awful! I think it's that you want to bump into them looking fabulous and show them how amazing you're doing without them, even if you don't care about them at all! Life really chooses its moments though. Hope you're feeling better about yourself today :) x

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    1. Thanks Issy! Yep. I'm over it. And on a diet...so maybe not as over it as I think. LOL :)

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