So, I promised Michael Offutt, since I made him really sad with my letter “H” post the other day, I'd be back to my usual self and posting something ridiculous really soon. Well, here it is.
Jaybird, is jacked up. For reals. Let me tell you why. (if you are a regular follower, you could probably save us some time here and list all the reasons yourself..) It's not always easy for me to pull it together and get out of the house, especially in the morning. For those of you who don't know me, it's not because I'm a closet drinker (although I might be rethinking that position, after this morning's escapades) but because I have an auto-immune disease that makes it a little difficult to spring right up and out of bed sometimes. Anyway, this morning, I had to push myself to get up and go before I was really ready. And it showed.
I, was a disaster, from head to toe! My hair was not only uncombed, but a perfect place for a rat to nest and sadly in need of a dye job. My face, (oh, the horror) was make-up less! Argh. I ALWAYS wear make-up. I feel naked without it. And generally, I don't leave the house with any less make-up than a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race. But on this particular morning, I lacked the time. But that's not the worst of it, because my face, in addition to being make-up less, had a giant pimple, smack dab in the middle of my chin. Now, let's talk wardrobe. Lord, have mercy, I am cringing while I type this. I was wearing my 20+ year old Star Wars t-shirt and my daughter's sweat pants. My daughters sweats! What was I thinking? But believe it or not, my appearance, although jacked, is not why Jaybird is jacked up.
I'm jacked up, because this morning, after successfully avoiding my ex-boyfriend for close to ten years, I bumped into him. Today. Of all the mornings in my life, son of a bitch, I see him this morning rocking my Lindsay Lohan in prison looks more pulled together than me outfit! There was no way I could run in the other direction and avoid him either. We literally bumped into each other! And now, holy crap, this Bird wants to bury her head in the sand and DIE of humiliation.
Why oh why, of all days, did I have to see him today? Screw Murphy. It must be Jaybird's Law. The jacked up part about all of this, is how much I care. Not because I still care about the ex, oh my Lord no. I have been pretty out in the open here about how douchey some of my ex-boyfriends were. Well, this one, let's just say, was the Grand Master Douche of them all. I am also honest about my relationship with The Husband. Those of you who follow this blog, know I am TAKEN. With a capital T. I have three kids and am happily married. I love my husband with all my heart and would never even dream of stepping out on him.
Wolverine ever happens to show up on my doorstep; in an extreme HJ emergency like that, there just might be a little line crossing, lol. ) What
I'm so seriously jacked up about is how come I care so much about how bad I looked?
I know this might come as a shock to some of you, but I used to be cute, back in the day. But now, oh my good Lord. Now, I look like the fat-assed, grey-haired, ogre that ATE Jaybird. There is nothing cute about me. I'm a disaster. I'm mortified. My pride has taken a huge hit. And some things, as we all know, can't be unseen. How much do you wanna bet the ex went home and told everyone he knows, how completely pathetic I looked? Gah!
This "J" post is so jacked up. I'm so jacked up. I SHOULD NOT care what the Grand Master Douche of ex-boyfriends thinks about me. But I do. Damn it, I do! And I realize this entire post could be reposted under the letter W for "Waaaaa!" because of all the whining. Sorry. Bout. That. On the bright side, guess who just found all the motivation in the world to loose some freaking weight? Oh yeah, it's on!!