Ever since she told me she took the written test, and was out driving around for her six hours of instruction, all I can think about is my niece Holly, getting her learner's permit.
Where did the time go? Here's how I will always picture my daughters, driving:
|Check out Farrah riding dirty with a juice box, her Teddy, and her homey Frankie.|
It simultaneously breaks my heart and fills me with joy, whenever my nieces hit a milestone, (like driving) because her mother isn't here to celebrate them anymore. And I still can't believe she's gone.
I know by now I should have come to grips with the fact that my sister is gone. But I guess things like this, just make me miss her all the more. I will gladly celebrate all of the successes in my nieces lives, and continue to support them in any way I possibly can. But I can never be who or what they need, and that really kills me.
When my kids hurt, or something's wrong, I am always there to "fix" it. This is something I can't "fix" for either my nieces or myself. God, how I wish that I could! I wish that my sister was still here, and my family could be whole again. I wish that I could throw my arms around her, hear her laugh, see that brilliant smile of hers again. I miss her so much. And when her girls are doing such grown up things, like learning to drive, I guess, I guess it just makes her loss hit me hard, all over again!
My niece has grown into such a spectacular, beautiful young lady. She's truly beautiful, inside and out and I am so very proud of her. I know her mother would be too. She looks and acts like her so much, sometimes I have to stop and catch my breath when she enters the room. When I look at her, I know I'm looking at a piece of my sister, that's still tethered here on earth. I know my sister is free now. She's free from all that pain, suffering and this life. I look forward to one day, being reunited with her and that's what helps me press on. That, and the very special gift of my nieces. Those two girls bring so much joy to my life. I just wish I could return the favor.
We played this Switchfoot song at my sister's memorial. It still moves me every single time I hear it.