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Jersey Shore, United States
In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.

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Saturday, July 7, 2012

The Magic 8 Ball Meme


OK, I have to admit  right up front, to hating those balls when I was a kid. It NEVER gave me the answers I wanted - even after I cheated and shook the shiz out of it! BUT, because Jaycee DeLorenzo brought this meme to life, and she is all kinds of AWESOME, I'm down with it!!

In short, here are the rules:
1. Post the button and link to http://blog.jayceedelorenzo.com (following would be nice, but not required).
2. Share an excerpt from your current WIP, perhaps something you're struggling with, are stuck on, or just can't "get right."
3. Ask a question about your excerpt. It can be something easy such as "What do you think?" or something more in-depth, such as "Can you suggest a better way to word such-and-such," or "How can I make the emotions in this scene more realistic?"
4. Tag 8 people.
** I'm not quite  sure who was tagged, but feel free to ignore me if you were tagged already or if you don't want to participate. Feel NO pressure to do this, if you don't want to.***

Clare Dugmore
Kyra Lennon, Write Here, Write Now
Eve at Functioning Insanity
Christine Rains
Rachel at Writing on the Wall 
Ink in the Book
Suzie  F.
Ilima- Ka'ao Tell A Fanciful Tale

In a nutshell,  I've been epically failing at writing this query, for quite some time. It needs HELP. Any assistance/love/help/suggestions you can throw my way, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys!!

Sitting on a jury is the last thing any normal nineteen year old girl, would want to do. But Jenny Cardinale is no ordinary girl. After taking a peek into the wicked soul of the mob boss on trial, and seeing his demons sneer back at her, Jenny's determined to prove, contrary to popular belief, a short skirt and big boobs does not make for a bad juror! Taking on the mob is not exactly the safest decision for a nice Sicilian girl from the Jersey Shore, like her to make. But considering her life is already being threatened, night and day, by her demonic douche-bag ex, really, what does she have to loose?

Jenny's becoming adept at dodging her enemies attempts at taking her out, all on her own. But when her best friend, NFL running back, Carl Le Claire, announces his love for her on Sport's Center, everything changes. The mafia and her psycho ex, decide to join forces, in an attempt to eliminate her, once and for all. The FBI immediately insists on placing her under their protection. Jenny agrees, although already resigns herself to defeat. Knowing full well no human being, could possibly protect her. At least, that's what she thinks, up until she catches her first glimpse of Special Agent Andrew Moore. As she watches him effortlessly extract a demon from the twisted soul of a lawyer, (and everyone knows lawyers are all kinds of evil) Jenny dares to feel something she hasn't felt in years, hope.

Breaking Cardinale Rules” is a NA paranormal romance complete at 110,258 words.

18 comments:

  1. I think you may have too much going on. She's a juror, she's being hunted by an evil ex, she has a football player in love with her, and she's falling for an FBI agent. I would try to focus this down to the most important stuff and let the rest of it be a nice surprise once you read it. Also, I'm a little confused at to why the mob is after her for being a juror. Are they after all twelve jurors? Witnesses often end up in protection, I'm not sure about jurors. I'm sure it makes sense in the book, just make sure it makes sense in the query.
    It sounds interesting, though! :) You do a great job showing your voice.

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    1. Thank you, thank you thank you. Do you know what happens when you look at something a thousand times, it starts to blur and get all stoopid? That's what's happening with me. I can't even see it straight anymore. Love your suggestions, thanks Rach!

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  2. Thanks for the tag, I'm totally going to play along sometime next week.

    Your book sounds awesome. Totally original and full of voice. I have a few suggestions, though. Up until the last of that second paragraph, all of the demon references sounded like a metaphor, not actual demons. So I was surprised by the end to realize it was literal. If you could clarify that more from the start OR have the NA paranormal romance sentence at the beginning, that would help.

    You have a few vague/cliche lines that if trimmed will make the query tighter, such as: Jenny Cardinale is no ordinary girl, contrary to popular belief, night and day, once and for all, knowing full well, etc. Definitely keep the short skirt, big boobs, douche-bag lines...the voice is fantastic.

    And round your word count to 110,000 words. Some punctuation and spelling errors but I think there's a great story here! Nice job. :)

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    1. Thanks Ilima- I appreciate the feedback so much b/c like I said above to Rachel- I can't even look at this objectively anymore. I hate every single attempt I've ever made at it. Probably because I have too much going on and I want to say too much (as usual)! LOL Thank you so much for all your help/input!!

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  3. I think the story itself sounds amazing, but agree with Rachel that it might have a little too much going on. I do that with summaries/ queries too. I think stripping it back to the basics of the story would really help. I think the first line is excellent and really draws me in, why is Jenny Cardinale no ordinary girl? I would, like Ilima said, make it clearer the demons are real though.

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  4. Thanks so much Clare! It was super hard for me to post something so rough, but knowing that was the whole point of this meme, I HAD to post this query. I truly needed the help. I've written so many versions, but every one of them, has failed. I have really been struggling with this, so I appreciate all the input/suggestions, because every little bit of advice helps tremendously!

    Thanks again!

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  5. Hmmm, I agree with a lot going on in here. It sounds more like a synopsis right now (which means, save it because you can totally use this to build a synopsis, too) Remember, that I'm about as far on the path to publication as you are, so take these suggestions with a grain of salt:

    Sitting on a jury is the last thing any normal nineteen year old girl would want to do. But Jenny Cardinale is no ordinary girl-- she can see demons.

    After taking a peek into the wicked soul of the mob boss on trial and seeing his demons sneer back at her, Jenny's determined to prove a short skirt and big boobs does not make for a bad juror. Taking on the mob is not exactly the safest decision for a nice Sicilian girl from the Jersey Shore like her to make. But considering her life is already being threatened, night and day, by her demonic douche-bag ex, really, what does she have to loose?

    As things heat up in the courtroom and out, Jenny reluctantly agrees to FBI protection even though she knows full well no human being could possibly keep her safe. At least, until she catches her first glimpse of Special Agent Andrew Moore. As she watches him effortlessly extract a demon from the twisted soul of a lawyer, (and everyone knows lawyers are all kinds of evil) Jenny dares to feel something she hasn't felt in years, hope.

    “Breaking Cardinale Rules” is a NA paranormal romance complete at 110,258 words.

    I took out a few rogue commas and a little bit in the center. Also brought Jenny's talent right to the forefront, to grab an agent's attention. You do a great job showcasing Jenny's voice. Sounds exciting and fun (and you know I love stories set in Jersey!!!)

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    1. Issy- you are all kinds of awesome! Thank you. I love all the help. It is re-energizing me to look at this again. And trust me, I wanted to throw it right out the window, I've looked at it so much! Thanks again.

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  6. (oops, also:

    But considering her life is already being threatened night and day, by her demonic douche-bag ex, what does she have to lose?

    - taking out the "really" makes the sentence feel less "long" and showcases the best part of the sentence: "demonic douche-bag ex"

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    1. T/Y so much Issy- you are a rock star for helping me out!

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  7. All great advice! It does read like a synopsis, and the vagueness of the demons was confusing at first. I'd say upfront what genre your book is. Keep it up!

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    1. Thanks Em! I appreciate all the feed back.

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  8. The first thing I was going to say is what a few others have said already: there's too much going on. The idea is really good, but it's presented in a convoluted manner. It needs to be shorter and tighter. Does the story start off with Jenny on the jury? Is the mob boss possessed or is he a demon? Is Jenny's boyfriend a demon or possessed? Why does Carl's declaration of love change everything? Is Special Agent Andrew going to be her love interest?

    Perhaps you can start with something like: After peeking into the wicked soul of the mob boss on trial, nineteen-year old juror Jenny Cardinale is determined to prove him guilty. Taking on the mob is not exactly the safest decision, but considering her life is already being threatened by her demonic douche-bag ex, what does she have to lose?

    Jenny's becoming adept at dodging her enemies, but when her best friend, NFL running back Carl Le Claire, announces his love for her on national TV, everything changes. The mafia and her psycho ex decide to join forces in an attempt to eliminate her once and for all. The FBI immediately insists on placing her under their protection even though Jenny knows no human being could possibly protect her. At least, that's what she thinks until she catches her first glimpse of Special Agent Andrew Moore. As she watches him effortlessly extract a demon from the twisted soul of a lawyer, Jenny dares to feel something she hasn't felt in years: hope.

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    1. Hi Christine- thank you so much! This makes me so happy to have all of this support/help. Hate when I can't nail something, so I tend to walk away. Thank you so much for bringing me back in this!

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  9. Oh! Congrats on the award and thank you for passing it on! :)

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  10. Agreed with all the others that it has a little too much going on. It's fine if the story itself has all of this going on, but for a query you want a quick, punchy summary that sticks in an agent/editor's mind. You don't want them to read through asking, "Wait, first she's on a jury, now she has an NFL player on Sports Center who loves her, now she's in love with an FBI agent? What's going on? I'm so confused." It makes it hard to follow.

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    1. Thank you so much Beer! Appreciate the comments/help so much. Pretty much hated all of this query myself, but since that is the whole point of this meme, felt I had to post it. All of this support helps me want to try again, after way too many times of saying "frig this" and walking away. So, thanks!!

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