OK It's Friday Fact or Fiction time! This week is all about moving and the buying/selling of a house. As usual, I'm going to list a few situations, that MAY or MAY NOT have happened to me. Then you vote which are Fact or Fiction. I post the answers on Saturday.
#1. Jaybird and The Husband agreed on only one thing, whatever house they were going to buy, had to have a basement. No basement, no deal. We could not believe our luck, when the beautiful, bright, spacious home we were being led through, was in our price range. It had a huge kitchen, with modern appliances (one of Jaybird's prerequisites) a nice piece of property that backed up to the woods, (The Husband's prerequisite) and all of the bells and whistles. The house was perfect. Until we asked the deal breaking question, "Does it have a basement?" The realtor, MAY OR MAY NOT have swallowed hard, and said, "Yes. It uh, has a basement." The Husband and Jaybird, told the realtor "SOLD". But we just wanted to take a quick peek.
"But basements are basements, right?" She said. "You've seen one, you've seen them all!" the realtor hemmed and hawed. Her dodgy attempts to bar us from entering the basement, MAY or MAY NOT have made The Husband's cop and Jaybird's spidey sense, start tingling. We insisted. The realtor made some excuse, like having to call the office and took off, out the front door.
Immediately upon opening the door to the basement and descending the stairs, the smell that accosted us, MAY or MAY NOT have been what Jaybird could only describe as "unGodly". The Husband, started pontificating on what kind of dead animal could cause such a smell. Ugh. A few steps further down, and Jaybird, felt physically ill. Not just because her nostrils were burning, but because she felt like she was walking into an oven, the air around her was so oppressive. The sense of wrongness amplified, and in her heart and mind, something was just screaming at her to get out!
It was unnaturally dark, especially in contrast to the brightness above, but what Jaybird and The Husband MAY or MAY NOT have found in that basement, was even darker.
"It's too dark to see anything down here. We should have brought flashlights." Jaybird said. The Husband, replied, "Huh, the basement is so dark, because they painted all the walls black! Well, except for that one."
The "one" wall was in actuality just another black wall, but this one had blood red "paint" splattered all across it. Words were scribbled, in a couple different languages, which Jaybird quickly and roughly translated, into Satan rules! In addition to the wall-o-creep, someone MAY or MAY NOT have built a huge wooden "altar" in the middle of the room, where they politely left their large, silver knife, and an open satanic bible, ready for action.
Jaybird, MAY OR MAY NOT have already been halfway up those steps, when she heard The Husband yell behind her "Run!"
#2. The couple that were selling Jaybird and The Husband their home, reminded us of Gene Wilder and Gilda Radner. They both had wild, curly hair, and strange, eccentric mannerisms when they spoke. They were a musician and an artist respectively, both absolutely brilliant. When they showed us the house for the first time, they MAY or MAY NOT have insisted we stay for dinner, and then Willy Wonka played the violin and Rosanna Danna the piano. They were wonderful, warm and fun people. The kept reiterating to us, how much they regretted moving. They did not want to go. But a job offer they couldn't refuse was causing the move.
The day of the closing came, and the couple did not show up. The Husband and I were disappointed, because we had really enjoyed their company and had wanted to see them again. Although it was not a big deal that they did not show, since their attorney had a signed power of attorney and was able to close on their behalf. Everything went off without a hitch, (which is rare for a real estate closing). The realtor handed over the keys, and Jaybird and The Husband were off to move all of their belongings into their new home.
When we pulled up to the front of the house, the movers were already there, waiting for us in the truck outside. The Husband and Jaybird could not believe their good fortune. That MAY or MAY NOT have all changed, as soon as we unlocked the front door.
We found Gene and Gilda, along with all of their belongings, still sitting right smack in the middle of our new living room! They MAY or MAY NOT have changed their minds about leaving, and begged us to give them their house back!!
#3. The Husband and Jaybird toured about 150 homes, in the course of their search for a place to live. One of the homes that MAY or MAY NOT stand out was one The Husband found advertised in the back of his North American Hunting magazine. It sat on fifty plus acres, and was surrounded by State Game Lands. He was in love. As we bumped and jostled our way down a dirt road that was supposed to be a driveway, Jaybird had serious doubts about living in such a secluded spot.
As we neared the house, and Jaybird saw the Confederate Flag, proudly waving from the back of a pick-up truck, and another flying high on the flag pole in front of the house, and yet another, because it was painted across one entire side of the barn, those doubts increased. There MAY or MAY NOT have been about ten redneck males, (armed with bows and shot guns) hanging out on the front porch steps, drinking Coors and shooting the shiz. (It MAY or MAY NOT have been 9:00 o'clock in the morning. )
The Husband, never intimidated, asked if this was the right house, and if it was still for sale. One redneck stepped forward and proudly took point. He MAY or MAY NOT have tried to punk out The Husband by laughing and telling him he would sell us his house, if he could match the shot he was about to make, about 50 yards away. The Husband said nothing, but waited patiently for the redneck to finish. The Husband gladly took the twelve gauge shot gun with a slug round offered to him, and my Marine Corps Expert Shooter made the shot. From close to 100 yards away. This gained their respect, and they all started hooting and hollaring. Jaybird wanted nothing more than to beat feet OUT of there. But at this point, how could we not look at the house?
The redneck MAY or MAY NOT have started us on a tour of the dirtiest house Jaybird has ever seen. The highlight of the house tour, was the bedroom. Because besides all of the porno magazines scattered all over room, right smack in the middle of the floor, for all to see, was the piece de resistance: a pair of the redneck's drawers, WITH SKID MARKS!!!
OK, there you have it. Happy voting! And if any of you have a moving tale to tell and would like to share it, I wouldn't hate it!!