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Jersey Shore, United States
In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Day My Bra Died, and Other Random Things That Happened Yesterday

Yesterday, I was out in a store with my oldest daughter when I suddenly had a hot flash grew warm,  so I took off my coat. My daughter's face fell when she looked at me. 

"Uh, Mom, did you forget to put on a bra?"

"No! I always wear a bra, because I don't like tripping over my boobs, you know that."

"Well, it doesn't look like you're wearing one."

I quickly stepped up to one of those mirror-type columns that seem to frequent all department stores to check my reflection. Sure enough, my boobs were in their favorite bra-less go-to position: downward facing dog.  What the h? I know I put on my favorite bra this morning! I'm sure I did. At least, I think I did.

I am, however, in a very forgetful stage right now, because of some medical issues, (see my post  Follow at Your Own Risk) so anything is possible. But I could feel the bra straps through my shirt, and it confirmed that, yep, it was definitely still ON. So, what was happening? My favorite bra had died.

My favorite bra  was dead! And she had a very specific medical directive. She requested a  DNR. (Do Not Resuscitate) Cause she knows me so well. I would have done anything to save her. Poor thing. The real "miracle" is that bra lasted as long as she did, considering the sizable burdens she had to carry around all day. I'm really going to miss her, cause they just don't make them like they used to.  Literally. They don't make them anymore. And obviously, I am in dire need of a replacement.

Since my oldest and I were in a department store, I decided to try to find a replacement, immediately. It's amazing how quickly someone you relied on for years can be replaced. I found a couple of  newer, younger models, but just like trophy wives, they will be exciting for their possibilities, but in actuality, they will quickly loose their  novelty and wind up being a huge disappointment, compared to the original.

Besides the hard stares from people who believe I intentionally left my house, au natural, here's what else happens when Jaybird, goes to check-out in a crowded department store:

I placed my newer, sportier and sure to disappoint me versions of my fav bra on top of the counter, as well as a few more items my daughter wanted. But some of the items started to fall. So, naturally, I bent over to pick them up. It was at this opportune moment, my cell phone starts to ring. Only, my middle daughter, (who is a techie-whiz and loves to jack with electronics b/c she thinks it's hilarious) had replaced my ring tone with one that FARTS. And, of course, she had turned the volume up, loud.

I thought my oldest was going to faint. But it gets BETTER. Of course, it's The Husband on the phone, and he's at work, (if he's calling from work,  something is probably wrong). He's yelling something at me. But it's hard to hear in the store and he's breaking up. I did catch this much, he's pissed at me because somehow, Jaybird packed one of my LUNA bars, which are protein bars for WOMEN, instead of his, into his bag for work.


If any of you knows anything about COPS, they tease the crap out of each other for fun. And apparently, The Husband eating protein bars made especially for women, was freaking hilarious.  (which I kinda have to agree) But I can't deal with him right now, because I'm still on line and my shit is falling on the floor, and everyone around me already hates me because of my ring tone and I'm going so slow and talking on the phone....I am trying to wrestle my wallet out of my purse, with one hand, because I'm holding my cell in the other, when it pops out, along with three or four MAXI PADS as they fly up in the air in a giant arc, and fall like they are in slow motion, all over the floor, and onto my ten year old  daughter's feet. I look at her and I can't tell if she's going to piss her pants laughing, or she's going to start to cry!! She just looks at me,  and it's one of THOSE looks, full of just so much resignation, that, yes, that really is my MOM, and she mutters just one word, but it sums this entire train wreck of a shopping trip/day with me, all up:

"Brilliant."


16 comments:

  1. Okay, I'm dying here. This is so funny, but I'm glad it didn't happen to me. Between you and your husband, I agree with your daughter. You're both brilliant. ;)

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    1. Emily, I'm glad I could make you laugh. I felt bad for my daughter though, who is at that age where everything is "embarrassing", especially ME.

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  2. Omigosh. Are you sure this isn't Fiction Friday? Of course not, it's too funny to be made up. Have you ever considered writing a memoir? I'm dying with laughter here. I've had my favorite bra die and they don't make 'em anymore experience. May it R.I.P. (And my husband would have chewed me out for doing to that to him, too, lol)

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    1. ilima- Glad you could relate to how I felt about losing my bra. It's tragic really. I know I will never find another as good as she was to me... LOL

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  3. I am laughing so hard I have tears coming out of my eyes!

    Too awesome to be fiction. :D

    R.I.P. To the favorite bra. Mine died a few years ago and I have yet to find a replacement. :(

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    1. Welcome to what happens when you hang out with me. This was just a quick peek into my life, yesterday afternoon, in Target.

      Sorry to hear about your bra passing on. I will surely be mourning mine for quite a while. LOL

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  4. Loving the creative way you talked about the death of your bra - may it rest in peace!

    I'm sorry you had a rough day, but it did make for a good laugh for the rest of us! <3

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    1. Thank you for the compliment. And I am more than happy to share my insane life, as long as I can make someone laugh in the process. Makes all the crazy, worthwhile.

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  5. I'm sorry, I really shouldn't laugh, but this was hilarious. I hope your day improved when you left the store.

    I'm with you on mourning the loss of a good bra - and by the way, the way you described it was pure brilliance - I had an excellent bra about two years ago, but a year after buying it the under wire fell out, and I haven't found one as good since.

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    1. Oh no, you SHOULD laugh Clare. I would have been laughing my butt off if I wasn't me. I did, as a matter of fact, lmao, when I called my mom from the car and relayed everything that just happened, blow by blow. She had to put the phone down and go get a drink of water because she was laughing so hard she choked~

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  6. This is awesome (and the kind of thing that an editor would say would have to be cut out because it's "not possible for that much to happen to one person" Little do editors know...) I feel for you, but I'm giggling like CRAZY over here!

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    1. I know, right? My WIP is tame compared to my real life...

      Glad to give you a giggle!

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  7. This is just too funny! (I assume you're okay with us laughing at your expense, you did post it afterall.) :) :)
    This seems like it could be a scene on Modern Family.

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    1. Thanks Rachel. Modern Family is one of my fav shows! Oh, how I would love to write for them one day...just substitute The Husband for Mitchell, and me for Cam, LOL

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  8. Everything about this truly was brilliant. Also, I should mention I'll never look at yoga or boobs the same way. Downward dog. Wow.

    Maybe I'm sadistic, but this sounds like the kind of thing I'd want to do to my kid intentionally (the male version, anyhow). You know, during that sensitive phase in their lives when you're so uncool and they dread being with you. "Oh, we're going to the mall? Guess I'd better hike my pants up to my nipples, wear mismatching socks, and put my hat on sideways!"

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  9. Beer-I'm so glad you enjoyed this! I'm never sure how my Blog will go over with the men folk. Thank you so much for commenting, I really do appreciate each and every comment.

    I don't think you are sadistic, just realistic! LOL It's bound to happen when you have kids, that you will one day embarrass the crap out of them. It is secretly, kind of fun.
    When I look at those "perfect", surgically altered Stepford Wives out there, I think how boring it must be to be them, and have to keep up the pretense of PERFECTION, all the time!!

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