About Me

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Jersey Shore, United States
In case any of my friends or family members actually read this Blog, please consider all Names, Characters, Places and Incidents to be the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are entirely COINCIDENTAL...Muaaah!! Now, really, about me: I bring the crazy wherever I go, so I've been told...I make fun of myself more than anyone else ever could. I hate: the awkward silence in elevators, watches with no numbers, picky eaters, Cancer and legalism. I love: coffee, stalking Hugh Jackman, my Spanx, COMMENTS, sarcasm and writing: Middle Grade, NA, YA Paranormal and Urban Fantasy.

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Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Three Musketeers. And then there were two.

This is my amazing sister Adrienne, and her cling-on ME.

And then there were two. After loosing my oldest sister a few years ago, I have noticed a very disturbing pattern in my relationship with my other, surviving sister. She and I have always been close, but the death of another sister will rip you apart and leave you messed up in all kinds of unimaginable and extremely disturbing ways.

Our hearts were unequivocally shattered when we lost Emily. The pieces that remained were eventually picked up, brushed off and haphazardly patched back together out of the sheer necessity of having to keep on living. The only glue that was able to finally patch up the holes, was the love between myself and my remaining sister, Adrienne. The equally crushed and broken spirits of the pair of us helped forge our broken hearts back together. Make no mistake, our hearts, will NEVER be fully whole again, this side of heaven, without the Third Musketeer, but a pretty good putty has been formed as the adhesive to help hold up the pieces.

Before all of this happened, I never considered myself the type of person who was a leach. Now I win first prize in daily sucking all of the love and life out of Adrienne for all she's worth. And she has been, true to form, completely generous in giving all of her time and attention to me. She has enabled me to bleed her dry like an insidiously dehydrated vampire. Sitting, here, admitting this, I truly hate myself for it. How could I be so selfish, you ask? How could I, continue draining her, cognizant of the fact that I'm doing it, yet still be somehow unable to stop myself?

I guess the truth of the matter is, I am still broken. Desperately so. Whenever I feel like I have a handle on things, I realize just how precarious my grasp is. And
hearing Adrienne's voice has a soothing, balmy type effect on my spirit. Just knowing when I talk to her, I am talking to someone who has lived through exactly what I lived through, is reassuring. No explanation needed, no hard questions asked, or slightly worse, they avoidance of them. It is so easy being in her company and I am so needy! I am so clingy! I am a wicked, spoiled, child, demanding all of her attention like this. I am constantly plotting, creating things we must do together and putting a whole lot of pressure on her just to get to spend time with my band-aid. She grants all of my most insane wishes too, like any good enabler would. Bottom line, I guess she needs me too.

My prayer for us is that one day, we would be able to rely on each other in a natural, healthy way again. That we would be able to go on living without the brokenness, the heart ache and the putty forged over excruciating pain. In the meantime, I will continue to work on letting go and letting God do His work in me. To say I have been resistant is an understatement. Losing someone you love is hard. Allowing God to heal you, in my experience, is remarkably, harder.

I won't even mention the pressure my poor little brother feels and the role he now has to play in this warped little reality we currently live in. I guess whoever said "time heals all wounds" didn't watch their beautiful sister wither and die, right before their eyes. When I read her obituary in the paper and it says "survived by" I want to pencil in, "barely". For me, for my family, pray one day, that will change.

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