After losing my sister (right before Christmas) all I remember of the holiday season last year was that it passed in a miserable blur of sorrow and pain. I'm so very sorry for my kids but I was a royal, hot mess and didn't enjoy any part of the holidays, at all. My husband had to decorate the house, purchase and then wrap every single present, alone. All I did was lay in bed, my heart broken, sobbing. Every single happy face I encountered that said, "Have a Merry Christmas!" would start me crying all over again. How could Christmas ever be merry again?
This year I am trying to make a concerted effort to suck it up and put on a happy face. Make no mistake, there is no way the holidays will ever be the same. My life will never be the same. There will always be someone, missing and it will never, ever, be the same without her. So how does life go on or how does one go on with life after such a tremendous loss?
I've been told I need to find a "new normal". Well, quite honestly, this "new normal" sucks. I miss my sister! However, this year, I will hold in all of my painful emotions as best as I can and try be stronger, for my kids. They really miss their Auntie and have been greatly affected by losing her too. I hope to try and become more like her, and likewise become to my kids what my sister was to me, which was, so inspiring. She, miraculously, stayed so full of hope, joy, selflessness, love, humor and kindness, even in tremendous suffering. Drawing upon her amazing example, and with lots of prayer, I hope I can manage to get through this.
So I will be having Thanksgiving at my house this year. And I will be doing my very best to make it happy. So have a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas, everyone, and I will too. Well, sort of....